Dregs

For a while now, the Lord has said, "I'm making you into new wine." A long time ago, He said I'd be in the fire. Both are purifying processes to get rid of impurities. I've learned lately that when you make wine, at one particular stage, it gets poured from one container to another, back and forth, so the dregs fall to the bottom to get skimmed off. Likewise, when metal is heated, the impurities rise to be skimmed off.

Both processes are painful and disorienting. If I am metal or wine, I'm not sure how much more I can take. How long, O Lord? It's been years now, and instead of getting better - just when I think it's over - it gets worse, hotter, another disorienting trip to another container. I'm left with head spinning, skin burning...

This last week was probably the hardest of my life. Not hyperbole. In three distinct areas, I feel like I'm the common denominator - the mess who is not able to fix myself in these painful situations. The Lord is showing me my many deficiencies and utter depravity and desperate need:

One, my heart (sinful flesh) couldn't keep from doing the thing I knew I shouldn't do. My stomach dropped the second I had done it; I hadn't felt that way since college when I was in a sinful pattern I couldn't break. Two, the thing I thought was such a ministry breakthrough last week? That thing I've been waiting four years/nine months for? Turns out it wasn't. And three, I came face to face with the realization that I had no reserves or ability in and of myself to rectify a past awful relationship dynamic that I know now will never be reconciled. I asked the Lord to fight for me in this relationship, and to be honest, I don't feel He did.

I'm as raw and wounded as I've ever been. I'm so disoriented. So sad. So confused. Haven't I been obedient? Haven't I followed Him? I've been reading Job, and his life is a comfort. He was a man of integrity. And he says, "Even today my complaint is bitter; he hand is heavy in spite of my groaning... but He knows the way that I take. When He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. (Job 23:1,10).

This morning, I brought my butterfly to church and invited her to be a part of the Bible study. I was so proud of her for getting up early, telling me the story of how she's getting all the other ladies at the shelter to pray before they all go to bed. She's being a light! I'm so happy - the bright spot in my day.

I had bought all the girls these beautiful Bible journals at $7.99 a piece. Nominal. But they're beautiful, special, and I only ordered 20; I've been nervous about only having so many. I gave her two - one for her, and one to take back to the shelter for our other butterfly.

...and she left them in the pew chairs. I went after service and they were gone.

I'm ashamed at my inner reaction. Only 16 bucks, but she'd only had them one hour. Now I only have 18. I was so frustrated.

Deficiency.

Depravity.

Need.

When I felt this way in college, He ushered me into a yearlong season of abiding in Him. Just for His own sake. Just to taste and see that He is good. Just to feast on the Bread of Life - not for what He can do for me or how He could fill my belly. Just Him. And that year was one of the sweetest of my life. And from it, the trajectory of the whole rest of my life - my husband, my ministry, my life.

He's inviting me to do this again.

I'm at the end of my rope. And, praise the Lord, He's at the end of it saying, "Laura, Laura, you're worried and concerned about so many things, but just sit at my feet. It's the better portion, and it won't be taken from you." (Luke 10)

I'm done bucking the reigns, the gate, that is so obviously not opening. I'm done trying to figure things out. I'm done longing for things that aren't mine. I'm done looking back, or looking to far forward. I want to lean into what is mine. I'm entering a season of quietness and repentance and confident trust.

I have to lean into the process of making new wine, of sitting in the fire. It's too hard to resist it.

I know it's all for a reason. I trust Him still. Job also said later on in that chapter:

"He stands alone, and who can oppose him? He does whatever he pleases. He carries out his decree against me, and many such plans he still has in store."

This is not the end, or pain for pain's sake. "Many such plans he still has in store.