Power

"Do not leave Jerusalem until the Father sends you the gift he promised, as I told you before. John baptized with water, but in just a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit. ...But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere- in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." Acts 1: 4-5, 8

On Easter weekend, our church had seven services. It was also what our church calls a 'baptism weekend,' where our pastor was going to give the invitation for anyone to come and get baptized. The Holy Spirit moved in power, and we had 94 people come forward over the course of the weekend! 94 people who made a decision to follow Christ!

It was amazing and I've never been so intimately involved with something so much of the Spirit before. And, in something that I can't even still quite articulate, I had the privilege of being in the water to baptize at every service. Here I am, a week later, and physically, I'm still recovering. Not because it was physically taxing, but because I'm learning that when you're involved with the Spirit in that much power, it takes something out of you. I remember reading in Billy Graham's autobiography that after his New York Revival - this multiday revival of preaching the Good News- he was never quite the same physically.

There were the two older, "churched" ladies, who came forward and were the first on Thursday night. Their joy was contagious, their hands lifted high with the sweetest, most pure hearts. There was one older lady who I had been talking to for months about taking this step. There was the mama who's daughter was in rehab, the little girl who's head barely broke the surface of the water; she had to stand on her tippy-toes. There was the couple who came forward together. The teenagers, giggling. The dad and his kids. My personal favorite was G. who I got to lead to the Lord myself a couple months ago, but who wanted to get baptized on Easter. We had been praying for months about her mom coming to the service to watch her baptism - the same one I've been visiting for almost a year. And she CAME! A miracle.

The Spirit was moving in such power. And it was so much to take in. Worshiping in the water as people just kept coming is not something I will ever forget.

Last week, we had 269 people at our Wednesday night ministry. The highest number we had ever had before that was around 245, and that was only a few weeks ago. After my volunteers did the initial count, people just kept coming. I sat there and watched them keep trickling in, the number going higher and higher. It's not about numbers, but about the guy in the ragged cowboy hat who didn't want to be there, but sat in the back row anyway, listening to a message about Jesus being the Vine. It was about two new dads brought in from the pregnancy resource center. It was about my girl who calls me her spiritual mama, who's future - I just know it! - is going to be in some kind of ministry one day. 269 of them, hearing Truth and getting support for a new way of life.

Power. Jesus said the Holy Spirit would come in it. And I feel it.

Paul said he was being used in it too:

"So we tell others about Christ, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all the wisdom God has given us. We want to present them to God, perfect in their relationship with Christ. That's why I work and struggle so hard, depending on Christ's mighty power that works within me." Colossians 1:28-29

I'm so grateful to Paul for his description. This was his resume. This was his job description.

And, I am finally feeling free to adopt it as my own.

This year's transition has been a hard one (and if you've read this blog for long, you can tell). And the enemy has been powerful in his own way - wanting me to look backward and pine for Egypt, because, even if it was a kind of slavery, at least it's what I knew. Or, wanting me to look too far forward, because I know this crushing is preparation for something beyond my wildest dreams. What could it be??? my heart practically beats daily with the question.

But Jesus is calling me to see, experience, and not miss what He is doing in the present. To rest in the power of the Spirit's moving in this season.

When He told the early church disciples to wait for the Spirit, they had no context. How do you wait for that which you don't even know or can't comprehend? That's how I feel these days. But man, once He came at Pentecost, it was undeniable Who He was, and that that is what they were waiting for.

I feel revival - in my own life and maybe even at the church or in our community - is coming, and is here. And that He's preparing me to be a part of it in a major way. But I'm also learning that in order to move in power of the Spirit, my old ways aren't going to be enough.

He's taught me lately about how I've been like Esau. Hebrews 12:16-17 talks about him with a warning to make sure you're not immoral and godless like he was, "who traded his birthright as the firstborn son for a single meal." Esau was firstborn, and with that position and place in the family, had certain anointings and blessings. It wasn't his to shirk back from, to give away; it simply was his. It wasn't his, or anyone else's, to question or change. But in a moment of desiring instant gratification, he 'showed contempt for his rights as the firstborn" (Gen. 25:34) by letting Jacob steal his birthright. He sold it for a bowl of lentil stew.

The small return on such a priceless exchange makes it all the more heartbreaking. It makes me tear up. Because I see a reflection of my face as I look down into the bowl...

How many times have I let others desire, be jealous of, try to take the position, the anointing, the calling that was mine? How many times have I despised it and shown contempt for my position, just because it caused others to feel a certain way about it? How many times did I go small so others could feel big? And yet, I have sinned as much as they by showing contempt for what was rightfully mine.

It isn't arrogant to live in the power and position that the Lord has given you.

This is a lesson I have been trying to learn my whole life. I'm not trying to think too highly of myself by saying this but, throughout my life, I have found myself to be called and anointed in power. But in so many work and family dynamics, people don't know what to do with me (I'd be embarrassed to tell you how many people over the course of my life). They try to control me, are threatened by me, jealous, criticize me. And so, because of this, I've tried to question it, I've tried to minimize it, I've tried to get rid of it, just so others around me would feel more comfortable with me, more at ease with me, less jealous and threatened of me. I would go small so they could feel big. But, what was happening was, I couldn't go any smaller without losing something core to who I was inside.

If this season of crushing has taught me anything it's this: God has said, no more. "No more do I want you lose yourself and how I've made you and what I've called you and you alone to do for others. You will not live to worship or please them anymore by putting yourself in pretzels of perfection. You will live to worship and please Me alone. You will not question how I've made you and the calling I've given you. You will not shrink, but you will shine. I want you to shine in power!"

And as beautiful as His love has been (it has been Him setting all this in motion, Him putting this freedom song in my heart; I didn't seek this out), it's been scary. This paradigm shift is foundational. I don't know how to live this way. And it could be costly. Just like our salvation cost Him His life, our freedom comes with a price. But I'm learning. I'm learning there's no going back. I'm learning this is how it should have been all along.

And most of all, I'm learning that it's not just about me. It's about the people I'm called to serve. If Paul would have shrunk back from his calling, who might not have been saved? If I'm not set free, who else might not get set free?

It gives me courage, this new freedom. It's not for me to feel I'm being arrogant if I live in bold power - it's for those I'm trying to serve and shepherd. If I find it hard to stand for myself, I can stand against wolves for these precious sheep.

I've seen the fruit of my not standing up already, not just in my own life, but in the life of ministry. It grieves me so much. But what I'm a part of now is too precious for me to not learn this lesson and stand. It was too late for Esau, and it may be too late for me in all these past relationships and situations. But by God's grace, He'll equip me to stand in power now - to stand in my birthright, my position, in the Holy Spirit's power.

Like Hebrews 10:35-39 says, we are not those who shrink back! We will not throw away our confident trust in the Lord! "We are the faithful ones, whose souls will be saved." (Heb. 10:39b)